___________________________________________

Monica has practiced Tibetan Buddhism for the past three years and attends a Buddhist temple in Columbus, Ohio. She is studying to be a Reiki practitioner and massage therapist. Monica is the co-facilitator of Hey Girl Hey, a monthly discussion group for queer women of color in Columbus and Cincinnati.
___________________________________________

My Introduction.

I heard about Buddhism during my last year of high school in my world religions class and while taking yoga. I was re-introduced to Buddhism while serving in AmeriCorps. During that time, I was trying to find a place to attend meditation on a regular basis and discovered a Zen meditation group.

Why Buddhism?

What attracts me to Buddhism, especially Tibetan Buddhism, is the notion of showing compassion for all living things. Humans, plants, animals—anything. Another thing that connects with my spirit about Buddhism is that we can look within ourselves for love, inner peace, and healing. Meditation, prayers, and offerings help to manifest those things.

My Buddhism.

I practice the Tibet form of Buddhism. I usually meditate one to three times a week. To be honest, my practice ebbs and flows. The number of times I do a certain prayer or meditation is not what connects me, it is the fact that I am present and my heart open during those times that’s most important.

My Background.

I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school for all twelve years of schooling. I researched a couple of African spiritual traditions while in college, but I was a Unitarian Universalist before Buddhist. There are many similarities to draw from with all these religious backgrounds—prayer and offering to a higher being, and opening oneself to God’s message. What drew my spirit to Buddhism is how deceptively simple it is. I can do meditation and prayer anywhere at anytime. The challenge is to remain in the present moment and to not fall into judgment or be critical of a situation or person, especially when a situation is challenging or painful. Buddhism pushes me to resolve challenges with love and honesty, which differs from my religious upbringing.

Coming Out.

Luckily, my family is extremely small. It is my mom and uncle (who I do not have much contact with). When my grandmother was alive, she was really receptive of me being a Buddhist. My grandmother was the one who encouraged me to find a spiritual home. When I told her about the offering sessions I attended or how amazing the meditation session was, she was thrilled and suggested that I had found my spiritual home. She was a huge supporter. My mom is pretty open to me being a Buddhist. She actually came to my refuge ceremony two years ago. All in all, my immediate family has been greatly supportive.

My Identity.

From my perspective, love, compassion, and awareness are at the center of all Buddhist teachings. Meditation encourages self-love and self-care, which has helped me accept myself as a Black lesbian woman.

My Relationships.

Many of the women I’ve dated have come from a Christian background. Many of them embraced me as a Buddhist and had mad questions about my faith, mainly for the simple fact that they had never interacted with a Black lesbian who spiritually identified as Buddhist. One woman I dated for a few months was a practicing Christian and grew up in the Christian church. She had a hard time envisioning two people of different faiths being in a relationship. I explained to her that my path to being closer to God was just another way of developing a spiritual path. It was not a wrong way or even a right way—it was another. A way that my spirit feels called to.

I would like to date someone who meditates and prays on a regular basis. I would like to date someone who is actively working on her spiritual journey. Currently, I am single. I cannot say either way how this would affect a future relationship.

My Opinion.

I feel there is a lack of visibility of Buddhists of color in the West, especially queer Buddhists of color. I met a good friend of mine through the temple we both attend. But, at my temple, there have not been any attempts (that I know of) to diversify/actively connect with people of color and queer people of color. Though not an initiative at my temple, that has not made me shy away from the temple or my faith. I try to make myself more visible at the temple by being more active in some of the roles at the Columbus Karma Thegsum Choling Buddhist Meditation Center, such as leading meditation or being a greeter. By doing so, I want to show others within and outside the temple that we exist and are visible. There are some queer people who attend the temple I belong to. It seems that they are pretty receptive to queerness. In terms of supporting policies as gay marriage, I am not too certain about that.

Daily Support.

One major Buddhist principle that supports me daily is The Four Immeasurables Prayer. Depending on what sect one belongs to—and/or what internet results show—the wording may differ. Here is how it has been taught to me: “May all sentient beings have happiness and the causes of happiness; may all sentient beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering; may all sentient beings never be separated from the happiness that knows no suffering; may all sentient beings abide in equanimity, free from attachment and anger, that hold some close and others distant.” This prayer helps me when I am going through a difficult time with work, family, exes/former lovers, personal issues, etc. It helps me step outside of my feelings and see how all of us are connected. To be honest, I do fall short sometimes. However, this prayer encourages me to heal even when I resist.

The Benefits.

The biggest offering that Buddhism can offer to Black queer folks is meditation. Many of us look for inner peace in external validation—through relationships, material wealth, jobs, etc.—not realizing that inner peace is within us all the time and there is enough for everyone. For me, meditation nourishes and heals me in ways that the external world cannot. Meditation helps me to think about where my thoughts and actions stem from and how to be compassionate to myself, which helps me be compassionate to all creatures.

My Advice.

I would encourage others to research Buddhism and ask questions about it. Seek others who follow Buddhism and see what their journey is like. Always ask, always be present, and always have an open heart. •

Please note that this series will not delve into the history or tenets of Buddhism. It was created for Black women to share a small part of their journey within the Buddhist faith. First up, 44 year-old Lisa of Columbus, OH…

Lisa was born into a Muslim family; however, after living with her grandmother, she practiced Catholicism for ten years. As a teen, she was introduced to a holy-ghost-filled apostolic church, and then moved to a Baptist church where she taught Sunday school to peers. After discovering her sexual preference and learning about true self, she had a few run-ins with church members and elders. She separated from the Christian church for years because she could no longer stand to hear she was an abomination.

Lisa was a loving human being and considered herself “a child of God.” After years of searching, she found an open and affirming home within the United Church of Christ denomination. She stayed at this church until her values and principles no longer aligned with church folk and church mess. It was during this time that she was invited to a New Year’s celebration at a Buddhist center. But Lisa was hesitant and opted out for traditional watch night service at her former church home.

Still, her spirit felt out of place so she opened her mind to Buddhist principles and enlightenment. Today, her soul has never been so settled. She now feels light as air and has discarded all the contradictions and judgments of previous beliefs.

My Introduction.

My best friend introduced me to the spiritual practice because she knew I was searching for fulfillment. I started in an inter-faith introductory course offered at the Buddhist Community Center. As I listened to the chanting aloud, it was like music to my ears and soothing to my spirit!

Why Buddhism?

The fact that there were no rules or judgment placed on others and their right to practice as they believed without fear or intimidation were the most attractive qualities. Secondly, the three tenants to be a Buddhist include faith, practice and study. You can do this anywhere and the community is so inviting.

My Buddhism.

I belong to the sect of Nichiren Buddhist. I participate in Daimuko, Toso and World Peace Prayer, in addition to attending meetings regularly to study with others. I have a Buddha buddy and a mentor to contact as well. After leaving the Christian church, Buddhism offered me a place to go where no one was breathing down my neck about money or any other messiness. With Buddhism, you can still believe in God, if you choose, and still practice the tenants without judgment or fear.

Coming Out.

I did have some misunderstanding among my family about becoming Buddhist. My family, like myself, didn’t know any Black people that practiced Buddhism. In addition, they were either Christian or Muslim, so they found this eastern philosophy strange, and just another way for me to ostracize myself from them by not only being gay, but also believing that I have the ability to channel God in me through meditation and prayer.

“Finding my own true light was the best choice I’ve ever made.”

My Identity.

I was already accepting of my sexuality long before I knew of the practice/philosophy of Buddhism. However, Buddhism allows you to be who you are. Although it is not a passive practice, it is a very peaceful practice. However you identify with your sexual preference, this is not a factor in your ability to practice peace and want the same peace for others. I am not aware of the support or non-support of same sex marriage within my Buddhist organization, but there is a weekly LGBT meeting at the center. I have not experienced any discrimination at all for being Black or lesbian within the organization.

Daily Support.

Buddhist principles/values that support me on a daily basis are:

• The ability to practice as you believe and not have judgment about beliefs in God or non-belief in any higher deity.

• The principle of forgiveness for past wrongs and to focus on creating good karma in current life. It doesn’t erase the past, but karma (also known as cause and effect), allows you to create and participate in good causes for positive effects in your life.

• Most importantly, people and things in life are a direct reflection of what you put out in your life. The ability to see yourself as the Buddha in the mirror allows you to see your true light and be the attraction to draw others to you. People will want to know of the change in your life and then you will be able to offer them the same enlightenment.

The Benefits.

Buddhism could offer the Black lesbian/queer community a place to be free to study, understand and live in practical application of the principles of love, peace, and harmony grown from within.  •

Her Beginning.

I was first introduced to art at a young age, maybe nine or ten.  I have vivid memories of my Daddy cooking breakfast early mornings. My sister and I would sit at the kitchen table and just draw.  We were out of the way and quiet, in turn, we were allowed to watch him in chef mode.  I think it was then that my parents realized how much I enjoyed drawing.  My father worked at Publishers Printing Company in Shepherdsville where they printed horse magazines.  Whenever there were damaged publications, he would bring them home to me along with stacks of computer paper.  I would try to draw all of those beautiful horses and I have been drawing ever since.

Her Process.

I like to take from multiple studies and mix them into creative works of art.  For instance, I create a grayscale drawing in pencil until it is complete. Next, I apply a watercolor affect to the pencil drawing to make a finished piece, but it doesn’t stop there. After creating the watercolor piece, I take the drawing to FedEx Office to scan the image into the computer and begin manipulating the piece digitally. My art can start at one point and morph into another animal. So I would have to sign off on classifying my artwork as mixed media.

Her Inspiration.

I draw inspiration from real life experiences. I like to travel and just wander around in different cities and towns aimlessly. I’m definitely a loner that likes to be around people, which makes me a walking contradiction. This, in turn, makes for some very interesting artwork. My personality was very hard for me to understand growing up.  But since I have grown older and more comfortable in my own skin, I have begun to understand the value of my inspiration regardless of how unorthodox it may be. I am just grateful that I am able to translate my distorted travels into art.

Her Expression.

I believe that when a craft has been revered as an honorable intention of identifying your personal self, it then becomes art. A successful fisherman, a clock maker, a seamstress, they all have the potential of being an artist in their own right. The world we live in could easily be considered an artistic composition.  The paper and pen are my calling just as the sea calls a fisherman to his purpose.  In a world true to art, everything is considered artistic expression.

I am always excited to branch out into other art forms.  I have picked up tattooing, poetry, and storytelling. I think it is very important for artists to branch out into other areas of creativity. It gives character to the passion.

Her Subjects.

I use the female figure a lot in my artwork.  She tends to reflect a mental state of high distress, but the art is so peaceful in nature. This makes high contrast a reoccurring theme as well.

Her Identify.

Each piece of art I create is a personal representation of some type of experience that I have lived through.  If it’s on my mind, it’s in my art. I feel that my viewers connect with my work because it’s like reading a young woman’s diary, and essentially you are.

Her Forte.

Hands down, I draw the best. Portraits are my favorite subjects.  I love to get a great photo of someone and transfer his/her likeness to pencil and charcoal.  Having a picture to draw from really takes my mind from being so creative and allows me to be more technical.

Her Development.

Art is like a security blanket that I never had to trade in for maturity. It just kind of grew up with me.  In my adolescent years, I would draw simply because all kids love to draw, right?  Towards my teens, I would draw because expressing myself verbally was simply not an option. Once I reached my junior year of college, I realized that I wanted to try the art scene as a career.  Now that I think about it, art has always been a part of me.

Her Support.

The people closest to me are the driving force of my art. My friends are always interested in my art.  I can go to any friend’s house and see my artwork on two or three walls of their homes.  It is truly a compliment. I am more than blessed to have friends and family that support me as an entrepreneur in the art field. The support of my family and friends make me feel invincible to say the least.  I definitely have the green light to create.

Her Opinion.

The African American Art scene in Louisville is very poor.  There are plenty of great African American artists in the Louisville Area, but when you talk about an art community, that’s where we drop the ball. Selling African American art demands an overwhelming amount of time and commitment. By the time a Louisville artist has reached his/her peak of success, the connection with the next generation art community seems to be lost—as if there were a barrier between the language of the young and the old.  It’s pretty tragic, tons of young artists without a leader.  Other cities have seemed to create an atmosphere of culture that inspires, such as music in the street and art districts.  With that type of energy the weight isn’t on one person’s shoulders to be a mentor or leader. Instead, it becomes everyone’s responsibility to simply create.  I would love to see Louisville get to that point.

The most challenging aspect of being an artist in this region is connecting with a tribe.  Artists can be the best hermits this world has to offer.  Sometimes I think the only reason we poke our heads out is to get inspiration for our next piece or because we’re hungry.  Art energy is felt in a creative space.  Without that creative space the desire to produce art usually dies out when the mortgage and car payments roll in.  I would like to see Louisville become more of an Art community so that linking with kindred spirits wouldn’t be so tough.

Her Voice.

When it comes to my work, I value my personal opinion the most.  An artist is his/her worst critic.  After I’ve finished a piece there is one friend I always send my final draft to for review, mainly just for feedback.  Other than that, my go-to opinion is my mother’s facial expression. When she looks at a piece and her facial expression reads, “Does my daughter need professional help,” that is when I know I have a masterpiece on my hands.

Her Projects.

I have a few projects going on at the moment.  I will be participating in Chip Kafele Calloway’s show Loves Requiem on February 14, 2013. This show will feature four very talented artists and will be held at The Pointe in Louisville, KY. In August 2013, Mickel Green will host his second annual Black Angel series in Louisville.  In the following month, we will take the show to New York.  I am very excited about these events. These guys work very hard on these shows, not to mention they open their events to fellow artists to showcase as well. Quite a strong team we are building here.

Community support at the Mr. and Mrs. Kentuckiana Gay Black Pride Pageant and the implementation of the first official pride in Louisville were the most successful aspects of Pride 2011. This year, however, event attendance tripled and the pageant was taken to a new level. Nine contests competed for the reigning title, but crowns were ultimately bestowed to Anre’ Cavalier and Terry Vanessa Coleman.

Although the extended Pride weekend took a lot of corralling and effort, Tanya enjoys watching the payoff from work her team put forth. “If you can get a group of dedicated people together, you can do anything.”

The first “unofficial” Kentuckiana Black Pride was held in 2010 with about 50 people. In 2011, KBGPA was inducted into the Independent Federation of Black Prides. A year later, Pride has grown to eight events. Tanya is inspired by Atlanta’s annual Pride because it started in a backyard as well. But, “if you make the decision to start small and stick with it,” she explains, “it will grow.” Ultimately, Tanya wants Kentuckiana’s Black Pride to serve as an enjoyable celebration for residents of multiple states.

Challenges.

For Kentuckiana (i.e. Kentucky and nearby Indiana), Black Pride is important because “we don’t have any other culturally diverse or specific Pride events. So it’s important for our community to come together and make an economic impact. Otherwise, we’re second thoughts to the larger Pride in Louisville.”

People’s attitudes about Black Pride—particularly, why is it needed—has been a challenge to the organization. Some people ask, “You already have a [general] Pride, why do you need [a Black] one?” Tanya responds with, “Well if you have to ask, that’s why we need it. We need something that’s just for us, to celebrate our uniqueness and diversity—where we can be us.”

Over the next 12 months, the organization hopes to eliminate negative perceptions that “we’re trying to segregate ourselves. That’s something we always struggle with.” However, conversations and partnerships with various factions—“leaving them with a good taste in their mouth”—is an effective way to combat these perceptions.

What’s next for KGBPA?

Following Pride 2012, the organization will take a short break, regroup, and then start all over again to make Pride 2013 even bigger and better. In the interim, Tanya is working on more than Pride of events. One of the larger goals for KGBPA is to locate an office to provide outreach services (such as HIV testing), support groups, and other activities. “Right now, it’s baby steps. But that’s the impact that we want.” Once KGBPA settles into their new home, they look forward to teaming with local organizations as Louisville Youth Group, Fairness Campaign, and Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) of Louisville—as well as groups outside the LGBT community— to provide some of the services and activities.

Anyone who has ran an organization would agree that it’s a challenge to get everyone to work together. “You can’t please everyone or make everyone happy, but you try to give people what they want. Getting people to understand that when you make a decision, you’re doing it for the community and for the best” requires leadership and patience.

What does KGBPA need right now?
More volunteers and more corporate sponsors. If you’d like to volunteers for KGBPA organization, or sponsor upcoming events, contact Tanya Couch at facebook.com/KYGayBlkPride or kbgp@insightbb.com.

Parenthood signals an important milestone in the family life cycle. As I approach the threshold to thirty, my partner and I are discussing children, homeownership, and other family oriented matters. Sometimes, I joke with her that we won’t have an authentic family until we have kids. On one hand, parenting is a significant life transition, and this fact feeds my ambivalence. But on the other hand, the prospect of small companions—someone to look up to me and listen intently —is exciting. Though parenthood is far down the road for me, the experiences of the following self-identified lesbian women are an informative resource. Their stories cover a variety of topics ranging from conception to interaction with family of origin, heterosexual culture, and the LGBT community.

 Shannon’s Story.

A 32-year-old Tennessee native and recent graduate from the University of Louisville, Shannon has always imagined herself as a mother. “When I turned 30, I decided to look into the process of using donor sperm, with the intent to inseminate sometime after I established my career. However, I came to a point where I realized that I was ready at age 31 to begin the process.” Though she believes it is best to have a reliable partnership established before becoming a parent, she also understands that sometimes it’s not possible and a strong, single parent is more than sufficient.

The Process of Conception. Shannon is near the end of the third trimester and excited about meeting her baby girl. The experience of conception was a challenging adventure full of twists and turns. Shannon contemplated several methods of conception. “I considered having sex with a male friend who was thinking of being a sperm donor for me. However, it did not seem like the most authentic method for me, and that is mostly because I prefer to be with women. In the end, having a friend to donate did not work out, but if it had, I would have chosen to utilize ICI [intracervical insemination] with his sperm, not via sexual intercourse. I went with an anonymous donor, and used a needleless syringe to inseminate myself at home.”

 A Parent’s Concerns. Similar to most parents, Shannon has concerns about her child’s future. “I am concerned about providing financially for my child. And making sure she has support from my friends, as my family lives a distance away.” Despite the distance, Shannon does have a network or friends and family members who are involved in her life and enthusiastic about her pregnancy. The only other fear that she has is prejudice. “I do fear that she will suffer discrimination because of who I am. Luckily, I think the area I will be raising her in has enough diversity that she will hopefully not be the only child in her classes growing up who has a gay/lesbian parent. I fear she will have to defend me, something that no child should have to do for a parent. If she chooses to dodge certain conversations, I will understand, but I want to raise her to be confident in who she is and in who her parent is.”

Shannon’s Advice. “Utilize the interne; there are a lot of resources out there! Try not to stress if you are trying to conceive; it will not help the process. And do not tell everyone you are trying to conceive, even if they are supportive and mean well. It is very nerve-wracking to be asked each month, ‘Did it work? Are you pregnant?’ and have to say ‘no’ time after time. The conception process is very emotionally draining, so be prepared for disappointments and give yourself space to grieve should you not get pregnant right away.”

Future Conversations. Shannon feels that conversations about conception with her daughter should be open and an ongoing process. When having the conversation, she will use age-appropriate language and consider her daughter’s developmental level.

Conception: Things to Consider. The decision on how to conceive can spark many emotions from one or both partners. The non-conceiving partner may feel inadequate, or both partners may feel angry about donor sperm or involving a male in any shape, fashion, or form.

Tia’s Story

Tia is a 33-year-old Louisville native, student at Spalding University, and mother of a daughter and son. In 2006, after six years of marriage and her sister’s passing, Tia decided to leave her husband and pursue her identity as a lesbian woman. The death of her sister gave her the strength to leave the unsatisfactory relationship. “I was going to live my life and be who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be miserable anymore.”

Conservations With Her Children. Tia’s story is not uncommon to many lesbian families. Within the community, there are a significant number of women who divorce or separate from men to reconstitute a new family. Tia’s daughter was seven and son was six at the time of her separation. Tia informed her children about her sexuality after pursuing a relationship with a woman she dated for a year. However, due to age and maturation, the conversation “went over their heads” and she re-explained the situation to them later. “I sat them down and asked what they knew about lesbians and gays. Then I explained to them that I was a lesbian and what that meant for me and our family.” The family talked in depth about her sexual orientation, and of course, her children had a lot of questions, which Tia patiently answered.

Teaching Acceptance. Even though there are harsh opinions, strong attitudes, and unequal policies against same-sex individuals and parents, Tia will not let that harm her family. Because she is educating her children, she does not fear negative sentiment from the public or family members. She is teaching her children about difference and making them aware of their environment. “The key to fighting ignorance is education. I’ve taught my children…so I know they can handle themselves in a debate.”

Parenthood Beyond Labels. Tia doesn’t view any major differences between childrearing in a same-sex versus opposite-sex relationship. She believes the way you raise your children is dependent upon each parent’s family of origin experience and personal narrative. Regardless of sexual identity, she is open and honest with her children and trains them to be strong, independent young adults. Plainly stated, “I know good parents in same-sex relationships and opposite-sex relationships like I know not-so-good parents in same-sex relationships and opposite-sex relationships. It depends on the person.”

Community Support. Building parental support networks in the local lesbian community is slowly progressing. While Tia has grown close to and been welcomed by many lesbian mothers, she believes a collective mentality is absent. “Village mentality is missing and building relationships with women is hard.” Though, she does believe it is possible.

Tia’s Advice. Her advice to same-gender-loving parents is to be open and honest with your children. “If you are ashamed of who you are, then your children will be ashamed of you too.”

Family Dynamic. Each family unit establishes a collective identity with rituals, rules, and language. Every family is different, unique, and influenced by factors such as socioeconomic status, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, and geographical location. When a family is a member of a marginalized group, external sources can cause distress and create barriers to family satisfaction.

B.J.’s Story

B.J. is a 42-year-old Louisville native, mother of three sons, and grandmother of four. Her curiosity in women began when a bisexual woman pursued her. Even though she was not interested in this particular woman, “I knew I was changing for along time. I had stopped dating guys almost two years before. I felt like I had no need for them in my personal life. My boys were pretty much raised and there was always an active presence of men in their lives—their fathers, my brothers, or other male relatives.”

Community Support. B.J.’s first contact with a female was when she was thirty-one. She didn’t find much support from the lesbian community, and if there was support she didn’t know where to go. So, she depended on God, her family and friend, and her psychologist for assurance and support.

Disclosure With Children. B.J.’s sons were teens when she was forced to disclose her growing interest in women. “They walked in on my first girlfriend and me passed out in my bed after watching a movie cuddled up underneath the covers, clothes on. We were still in the dating stage. I hadn’t even kissed her yet. I just so happened to open my eyes and found the oldest two standing at the foot of my bed staring at us. Dag, I had told them they could stay out pass curfew! So the next morning I explained to them that I might be [lesbian].”

Late Bloomers. Late-blooming lesbians—women who identify as lesbian after the age thirty, marriage, and children—are on the rise. In 2010, the American Psychological Association held a conference in San Diego titled “Sexual Fluidity and Late-Blooming Lesbians.” Researchers cite that a combination of factors are making women more comfortable with ‘coming out.’ First, same-sex attraction is not a new emotion for some late-blooming women. Many women experienced same sex attraction in adolescence or early adulthood, albeit they didn’t act on it. Late-bloomers are also becoming more common because varying life circumstances, less homophobia, and increased societal acceptance. This, along with other contributing causes, are moving women beyond heterosexual, religious, and cultural boundaries.

Family Support. B.J. acknowledges that her own three sons wish she were “normal.” But, they do support her personal choice. As a grandmother, she says lesbianism is not a factor. “My role as a lesbian being a grandparent, or a grandparent being a lesbian doesn’t have anything to do with one or the other. I love them unconditionally. I will teach them, I will punish them, and I will spoil them, and do anything in this world for them. I hope that as they get older and form their own opinions of the world, that they will still love and except me and my potential life partner.”

My intentions with this title or article aren’t to criticize, preach or teach, but to offer words of encouragement to all those battling the bulge. I’ve been blamed a time or two, or ten, for making my girlfriend fat. “You made me fat so that no one else would want me,” she says. She blames her love handles and double chin on my cooking choices, late-night eating, frequent trips to fast food joints, and my love for eating then sleeping.

Truth be told, I’m just as much of a culprit in her weight gain as she is. The question of ‘how this happened’ is easily answered. The question of ‘what do we do’ remains a challenge.

Truth be told, I’ve gained weight too. I’ve packed on about 25 pounds in the past eight years of our relationship. But unlike my partner, I can camouflage my problem areas and shopping for clothes is not an issue for me.

Truth be told, it’s easy to gain weight with your partner, especially when the two of you are nesting.

Truth be told, when you gain weight together, no one runs a high risk of being “less attractive” because there’s no need to impress the new girlfriend. As time progresses, you don’t check your partner with a simple, “Baby, put down the burger.” Mutual weight gain can be a sign of complacency.

Truth be told, it’s hard to monitor yourself and your partner after you’ve adopted a healthier lifestyle. You just can’t expect your partner to do what’s right in your absence, and vice versa. Yes, we have slips-up—several in fact. But we continue to check-in with each other and hold each other accountable for individual and collective food choices.

Truth be told, it’s easy to make excuses and to support each other when those excuses are made. I can’t count the number of times we’ve used eating-out as an excuse for “living in a boring city,” or skipping a workout because we’ve “worked all day” or eating-out because neither one of us “wants to cook.”

Truth be told, it’s so much easier to workout when your partner’s on board. But for those who are single, I encourage you to find a workout buddy—someone who’s just as serious about weight loss as you.

Truth be told, transitioning to a healthier lifestyle is a hard journey. But it is possible to make healthier eating and exercise a priority just as good sex, quality time, and romance are priorities. The love that you share for your partner, and yourself, must manifest in both tangible and intangible ways.

Celebrate your good days, just as you celebrate anniversaries, other milestones, and all things that make your partnership and love unique.

Truth be told, just because I didn’t mind the weight gain, doesn’t mean that I should have continually ignored my good sense and understanding of the world that we live in. Health disparities in the African American community and health risks in our respective family are real and cannot be overlooked for years at a time.

I know, whole-heartedly, that it’s truly a challenge to take control of your health. As Black lesbian women, we face and endure a number of stressors, some we can and cannot control or eliminate. But my partner and I have learned the following. The “secret” to a healthier diet and routine exercise is being ready. Five years ago, we weren’t ready to emotionally or physically commit to the process or a significant change in our lifestyle. But in May 2012, we reached a tipping point. We are both putting in work to ensure that good food choices far exceed less healthy ones, and we both understand that it takes time to fully adapt to better habits. We’ve also learned that we must be realistic in our expectations and goals so that failed attempts or bad days do not equal dissatisfaction or discouragement.

When I wrote The Space Our Love Demands (TSOLD), I envisioned a character that would embody traits, personal challenges, and weakness identifiable to most while also contextually representing one interpretation of the Black lesbian experience. At the most basic level, Hadiyah, or “Yah,” is a graduate student living in Louisville, KY. Originally from Memphis by way of Columbus, Ohio, she moved to The River City following a break-up from her long-term partner, Charity. They were college sweethearts, the couple everyone loved. In Louisville, Yah meets several women and establishes intimate connections with two in particular, Fatma and Adrienne. An emotional struggle ensues sending her down an emotionally tumultuous path. Yah becomes more complex and changed by a series of interpersonal and intimate experiences.

Hadiyah’s Personality.

Yah is an intelligent young woman, but reclusive and selfish at times. Yah describes what she thinks, feels, and sees using some crass language and a lot of colloquialisms. Readers have told me that she is multilingual and code-switches often. That is one element of the book I want readers to appreciate. As a member of several communities—academic, queer, southern, Black, etc.—she has a manifold consciousness.

The Major Players.

There are three other significant characters in TSOLD. Tee is an eighteen-year-old, handsome stud who is very entrepreneurial and astute in mathematics. She provides the book with humor, excitement, and roughness. She is embedded in the subculture of masculine-identified Black lesbian women and illustrates some of the style, expression, and behaviors of that community. Tee is Yah’s best friend in Louisville. They have a big sister-little sister, mentor-mentee relationship.

While Yah and Tee are on one end of the spectrum, Lois lies on the other. She is the wisest of the three. Lois is a fifty-something, married lesbian who provides advice, arbitrates disputes, and models long-term martial satisfaction. Along with Tee, Lois defines what gay folks mean when we refer to each other as “family.” The camaraderie between these women is important because of the limited representation of Black women in authentic, open, and honest relationships within popular culture. Even though positive relationships between sisters take place all the time, we don’t see them enough; therefore, TSOLD highlights female-to-female communion.

Last, but certainly not least, is Charity. Her character traits are passionate, no-nonsense, and self-starter. She is the long-term, loyal ex-girlfriend and the backbone of Yah’s character—even though she presents as a background character. Where companions or friends are concerned, Charity is the quintessential example of a woman you’d want by your side.

The source of the conflict in TSOLD will differ according to whom the reader identifies with.

The Reader’s Experience.

The Space Our Love Demands will test your self-awareness. The way that each character is judged or interpreted is solely dependent upon the reader’s reference point. I sought to create a multidimensional story told through characters with distinct personality and original expression. The reader is challenged to think about intimacy, loyalty, and commitment. Since the underlying themes are universal, the novel will resonate with any reader.

AM I ANGRY?

I have recently been told that I have anger management issues. However, I find myself to be a very patient person. I do get really angry sometimes, and when I do, I may slam a door or yell into a pillow or yell at the person I am upset with. But I’ve always felt like this was normal when people get angry. People get frustrated. How should I know if I have an anger management issue or not? Are there markers one should look out for?  What are some healthier ways to deal my anger? ~Asha Blake, Marietta, GA

A major challenge for individuals with anger management issues are cognitions or negative thoughts, which cause a person to attribute unrealistic evaluations or judgments of a given circumstance. For example, sometimes people find themselves in a stressful condition or interaction with someone, and may feel out of control. Instead of expressing vulnerability or primary emotions such as sadness or fear, for instance, they express anger traits. Additionally, various negative and inaccurate thoughts about a situation or self tend to cause them to escalate and lash out verbally or physically.

Arousal control techniques really help when feeling angry, upset, or frustrated. People who have a low threshold for arousal control are not able to manage the presentation of anger, but they can learn to have more awareness and assume greater power over self. In order to partake in arousal control, a person has to retrain their level of body arousal. First, you should recognize your early triggers on cognitive and somatic levels. Then, try self-soothing techniques such as controlled breathing, meditation, or any relaxation method that will help you cool down. There are several reputable online resources for relaxation techniques. Next, challenge your thinking. Ask yourself questions like ‘Am I overacting?’ or search for other possible explanations. Furthermore, practicing assertiveness and expressing empathy are other important skills to have. Finally, explore the underlying causes of your anger or what brought you to a boiling point. These few considerations will help you on your journey to healthily manage anger.

Remember that everything we do takes time, so give yourself the space to practice all of the above steps. It’s a process, not an event!

In order to determine if you have an ‘anger management issue,’ I recommend that you contact a clinician. This person can provide you with an accurate assessment.

People can learn how to express vulnerability and anger. Once you acknowledge and take responsibility for emotions, you can begin to practice assessing situations more practically utilizing problem-solving skills and demonstrating healthy assertiveness.

NEED A SOUND SOLUTION? Email Nikki.

Why did Rena create Sistahs On The Shelf?

Sistahs on the Shelf was created because there wasn’t anything like it at the time. As a member of online reading groups, the pivotal question women would ask was, “What is there for us to read?” They wanted to know where the Black lesbian books were that are for us and by us. So the answer to me was simple: Sistahs on the Shelf. I wanted to connect women with the books that describe our lives. I desired to give back something to our community given to me through the books I’ve read and enjoyed, the first being April Sinclair’s Coffee Will Make You Black. I wanted to help sistahs in the life realize that there are stories with our love, our feelings, our dreams, and our interests at heart.

How did Rena prepare to become a reviewer?

With SOTS, I researched literary websites and used my own membership experiences with reading groups. It is a mélange of everything I wanted to see within a reading site and a little bit of the things Black lesbians wanted to see.

I am a team of one. SOTS is my baby. I’m so hands-on, I don’t know if I could give up control. But I have seriously thought about soliciting for reviewers now because the amount of review requests. Lately, I’ve been receiving the most it’s ever been. And with the rise of e-books, I keep finding more and more novels. My Kindle has been busy.

How does Rena divide her time between SOTS and personal/professional obligations?

Reading the novels is the easy part (sometimes) because I love to read. Writing the reviews is where it gets hectic because I try to make sure the reviews are well-written and helpful to the reader who could potentially buy the book. Then I have try to balance my “day job,” family and friends, and a girlfriend with all of this, as well as my own personal reading aside from SOTS.

Ultimately, what does Rena want for SOTS?

To see SOTS go to the next level. I would like, at some point, to host a book conference of Black lesbian writers and readers, possibly retreat style. I have other ideas roaming in my head as well.

I’m proud of the site and what it’s become, and glad to still be around after seven years.

BLACK LESBIAN FICTION…

Has Black lesbian fiction changed since 2005?

Yes, I have definitely seen a rise in the number of Black lesbian books. Even before Sistahs on the Shelf, I was always scouring for more books about us. Don’t get me wrong, there were some out there. But today, especially with Kindle and Nook gaining massive popularity, e-books have doubled, possibly tripled, the amount of novels available. Authors are trying new ways to get their books out there. The social networking boom has also changed the industry. When I began SOTS in 2005, there was no Twitter or Facebook, only MySpace (and we see where that is). Black lesbian authors are interacting even more with their readers and telling the world, literally, about their works.

What’s the most bizarre book Rena’s ever read?

Oh my! I read this book about a married woman in an abusive relationship who falls in love with a woman. The husband is so insanely jealous when he suspects his wife is cheating, he uses a chain saw to hack the woman. Blew my mind! It never got reviewed.

What would Rena like to see in Black lesbian fiction?

I would like to see more stories about marriage, about women conceiving and raising children, growing old together. Maybe it’s just the space I’m in right now.

Does Rena have a Black lesbian fiction pet peeve?

My only frustration is gratuitous sex that has absolutely no meaning at all to the plot. And while this not a peeve, no disrespect to my lovely Black lesbian writers, but studs with dreads…very sexy, but I’ve read a lot of stories with them.

Where does Black lesbian fiction stand in comparison to the larger, American publishing industry?

I think Black lesbian fiction stands taller than the industry believes. We have a creative voice, and there are very good books from our authors that get overlooked. I feel many mainstream publishing companies aren’t taking a chance on our stories, and therefore, writers have to find their own ways to get their books published, like creating their own companies and book imprints.

How does Rena describe the relationship between authors and readers in the genre?

I think it’s terrific, especially because of Twitter and Facebook, not to mention Tumblr and other social networking sites. Authors can talk with their fans and get immediate feedback on their novels. Any comment or post, I think the authors definitely read.

Has Rena published in this genre?

I have not published…yet! I will someday. I wonder who will review my book, though.

SISTAHS SIZZLIN SUMMER READS.

Sistahs Sizzlin Summer Reads features summer releases or “lesbian beach reads” as Rena likes to call them. The series began on July 8 and will end after Labor Day. If you’re an author who would like to be included in the series, contact Rena via email for consideration. She will select books that are fit for summer reading and were published before or during the season.

Website: sistahsontheshelf.com/blog
Email: reviews@sistahsontheshelf.com
Promo blog: http://sotspromoblog.wordpress.com